Computer Says No.

This is why.

If you are sending your files like this to A&R people and if they see a message like this, especially if you’re sending them multipart files (which you shouldn’t in the first place) – they’re gonna go …

*CLICK* close window. Because if you’re not Luciano Pavarotti (who is dead), then they’ve got a BILLION and one other things to do.

Make it as mindless as possible for the person receiving your music to hear it.

Posting this on behalf of JK.

The FoundationKL.org Official 4th Anniversary Party and Juice DJ Quest Victory Party

Dear Club-owner / Promoter,

On the 5th / 6th of December, FoundationKL.org, one of the most influential websites on Malaysian dance music will be holding their official 4th Anniversary party in Kuala Lumpur. Concurrently, we will also be celebrating the achievement of two of our top DJs, EJ and Anowl, who have both won the Juice DJ Quest Local Finals in Singapore and Kuala Lumpur respectively and will be facing each other at the regional finals, also held on that night.

We are looking for a Venue who are interested in working with us to hold this monumental event.

We have an average of over 50,000 unique visitors to this website per month. Also, we specialize in social media marketing for our DJs and musicians. Any association your club may have on our website will positively affect your credibility with the local underground, as well as take advantage of our fully operational direct marketing capabilities.

The testimonials on this website, as well as the widespread exposure found throughout the Internet should be enough to verify our credibility.

To turn down our offer would be a waste of valuable media exposure, where I can confidently say has a net worth of 5-digits or more. Please feel free to contact any media-buyers you may know if you so-choose to confirm our claim.

In exchange for the usage of your venue, sound system, and your cooperation, we will give you a full size 100 x 200 banner on the right hand of our sidebar. Any information architect will tell you that this is prime web property, and we will give you this space, pro-bono, for up to 4 months.

Additionally, we will use our social media engine to inform our followers, fans, media, and supporters towards to event. A demographic of working mid-20-somethings, with mostly disposable incomes.

If you are interested in discussing this further, please feel free to contact me personally at my email address at johnkuan(AT)foundationkl(DOT)org.

Warmest Regards,

John Kuan

PS: Please forward this page to all your friends who would be interested in cooperating with us. Thanks.

Some obviously fall through the cracks…

Why? Not enough Love.

Allow me to do a tad bit of email consultation for all of you. I do this for a living but because I’m in a generous mood, I’m gonna offer some advice – pro bono. Thank me by EXCLUDING me from ANY form of event notification. Please.

Here’s a great example from Love International that never made it to my eyes, until by accident, noticed it peeking out from under some Viagra spam. Behold:

So for budding email writers who are looking to maximize their list capabilities for events, here are some guiding tips on what NOT TO DO:

1. Chill out on the CAPSLOCK KEY

SCREAMING AT PEOPLE LIKE THIS IF YOU ARE TRYING TO CREATE ATTENTION really serves very little purpose. UNLESS YOU ARE F**KING SICK OF GETTING SPAMMED. Thankfully filters are capable of keeping these nasties out of your inbox. You’d think that people would get that by now.

2. HTML Grossness

Uh. Why risk it? Most HTML and image heavy emails are gonna slam straight into most junk filters. Don’t bother. Plain text just works and if you can’t communicate in writing, then there’s really no point using email.

3.Too too too many links links links

The more links, the more junk mail assassins are going to redirect your carefully crafted communication straight into the poo-poo pile. Your email is to communicate an event, it’s not the yellow pages.

4. Trigger words

… like ‘SECRET’ and ‘Buy’ and ‘Free’ are not good for your emails. Just look at the trashy penis enlargement emails that end up in your spam filter and pick out trigger words that are going to compromise your communication.

5. Unsubscriptions

(Doesn’t really anything to do with spam filters — but it’s still annoying.)

Make your unsubscribe links are clearly visible and MAKE SURE THEY WORK. I’ve tried unsubscribing from this list for close to the 5th time now and still nothing. In fact, I might report this as unsolicited email to their ISP… just because I still get these newsletters.

—

So keep these tips in mind next time you’re crafting your next brilliant event invite and with some know-how you would find yourself with many more interested readers.

And always keep the primary objective in mind: larger open rates = larger response rates. But we’ll get down to that another day.

PS: If you are REALLY interested in trying out some proper software that can fix all these issues FOR you – then I would really suggest e-filtrate. I’ve been using this for almost a year now and my arrival rates have always been awesome.

Check it out here.

(because they make you look like a douche-bag)

Here’s some pet peeves that I come across when I’m reading DJ bios. Take note of these; they can really make or break how you present auew∂self.

5. “Inspired by…”

Wrong: “Inspired by Ryan Seacrest and Yanni : Live at the Acropolis”

WHO THE !@#!ing CARES?! Dropping artist names to fluff up your bio, especially if you’re only inspired by them, serve you ZERO purpose. Except maybe let on that you’re a gigantic poser that has a huge MP3 collection.

If you’re going to drop names, drop names of people you have actually worked with. Being the water boy does not count; bong technician, maybe.

Warming up for a big act also scores points.

4. “Have been to…”

Wrong: “Went to the Winter Music Conference to see Tiesto.”

Going someplace, or attending some event is not the same as having played or organized an event. Again, alludes to the possibility that you’re a poser douche-bag.

Include events that you helped to put together. Communicating to your audience about how you contribute to the scene is WAY more impressive than being a backseat sheep attendee.

Also include places that you’ve played at – include two to three gigs that REALLY matter in the main bio. You can put your full list of formal appearances on another sheet.

3. “Sounds like…”

Wrong: “His mixing style is like Grooverider and Roger Sanchez COMBINED!”

*Shrug* Like a prison bitch cokehead.

You can’t TELL anyone what you sound like. Let them HEAR you. Let them SEE you. But please… PLEASE don’t TELL them.

Jacking up people’s expectations verbally, without demonstration, is a sure-fire way to have an audience clear the floor after you drop poo-poo onto the platter. Demonstrating through audio and video help with managing the expectations of the people you are performing for.

Why do you think we ask for mixes all the time?

2. “You will be amazed…” ” You will be impressed…” “You will not be disappointed when he steps to the decks…” etc etc.

Wrong : “When he is tearing up the wheels you never know what sound is right around the corner, with the element of surprise being his niche he will keep you moving and wondering what’s next.” (this was from a real bio)

The more you tell me that I will like you, the more you tell me that you’re full of shit. Why are you rationalizing for me? Why are you boring? Why should I care in the first place. Please f**k off.

You can change all of this by including testimonials from OTHER people and what THEY thought about your mix. It holds way more credibility and it doesnt make you out to be some hopeless ego-case.

Finally…

1. “He’s a Child Prodigy…”

Wrong: “He’s been mixing since the tender itty-witty age of 15…”

Awww… he’s so young. So precious.

MOZART was a CHILD PRODIGY. Unless you were !@#!@ing scratching at the age of 3 and writing anthems for Tiesto at 5, you are NOT a Child Prodigy.

If you’re adding this point just to say how long you’ve been doing it, then it’s only going to point out how long you’ve been struggling to create an impact.

If you’ve been mixing since you were 15 and you got your 1st gig when you were 27 – and you still think you’re a child prodigy. Then you are a douche.

But with that said. Child prodigies DO exist:

—

So keep a look out for these points in any bios and press packs that you might be recieving in the future. Promoters and A&R people are trained to spot these kinds of embellishments, leaving your demo and bio in the rejected bin.

Create a truly unique, stand-out bio that demonstrates your accolades in a non-pretentious, douchebag way – I guarantee that you’ll be creating much more of an impact with your audience and potential jobs.

Goodluck!